Accident & Emergency By the Way....Pal
Having found myself in Glasgow's Royal Inifrmary Accident & Emergency because of *Insert your own vulgar kitchen-utensil-in-an-unexpected-orifice story here*, it was the expected gloomy atmosphere of a busy A&E department that greeted me. Like any responsible citizen I whiled away the waiting time looking at the other waitees trying to figure out what was wrong with them. Ok, the guy with a hacksaw through his face was an easy guess but most people didn't seem to have anything obviously wrong with them. It was therefore up to my finely-honed detective skills to try and deduce what their unfortunate conditions were:
Old lady (on her own) looking uncomfortable and walking funny (but often) to the bathroom.
My Diagnosis: Urinary Tracht Infection
Middle-aged couple (wife sitting, husband standing) he's sweating and looks mad.
My Diagnosis: S&M Experiment possibly involving a cheese grater and testicles gone horribly wrong.
Young early 20s Faked-Tanned Female Glasgow Socialite still wearing yesterday clothes.
My Diagnosis: Looking for Morning after pill after bedding the starting 11 of an amatuer league football team during 'a good christmas night out'
There's only so long you can play that game though (and to be honest I just keep picking sexually related stuff) which is why I was thankful when a hapless junkie, who we'll call Bub rolled up on into A&E. This guy was oozing the comic genius that only dedicated years of chasing the dragon can provide (Don't do drugs kids - beating people up and recording it on your phone is enough for now). As the A&E gang sat around in collective despair Bub was hemoragging humourous rhetoric that Billy Connolly would sell his beard for. Wearing about 5 layers of clothes and a Alan Shearer-esque head bandage he proceeded to bawl his head off desperatly trying to find someone who would help him "GET A FUCKING BOTTLE OF RIBENA!!"
I was stifling laughs already when he decided to take offence, on behalf of all the females in the waiting room, at someone on the communal television saying the word Bitch.
"NO OF YA's ARE BITCHES BY THE WAY. NONE OF YA's, DON'T EVER LET ANYONE TELL YA DIFFERENT.....WELL MAYBE YOU YA BITCH HAHA!!" pointing accusingly at Urinary Tracht Infection Lady
At this stage one of the nurses came out looking for "John Wayne?". Cheese Grater testicles duly stood up but this was too much for Bub.
"JOHN WAYNE??? JOHN WAYNE!!! THAT'S SOME NAME BY THE WAY PAL." ending with a final flourish he proceeded to shot make believe pistols in the air before wandering out into the night presumbly to help some other A&E Department in distress.
Old lady (on her own) looking uncomfortable and walking funny (but often) to the bathroom.
My Diagnosis: Urinary Tracht Infection
Middle-aged couple (wife sitting, husband standing) he's sweating and looks mad.
My Diagnosis: S&M Experiment possibly involving a cheese grater and testicles gone horribly wrong.
Young early 20s Faked-Tanned Female Glasgow Socialite still wearing yesterday clothes.
My Diagnosis: Looking for Morning after pill after bedding the starting 11 of an amatuer league football team during 'a good christmas night out'
There's only so long you can play that game though (and to be honest I just keep picking sexually related stuff) which is why I was thankful when a hapless junkie, who we'll call Bub rolled up on into A&E. This guy was oozing the comic genius that only dedicated years of chasing the dragon can provide (Don't do drugs kids - beating people up and recording it on your phone is enough for now). As the A&E gang sat around in collective despair Bub was hemoragging humourous rhetoric that Billy Connolly would sell his beard for. Wearing about 5 layers of clothes and a Alan Shearer-esque head bandage he proceeded to bawl his head off desperatly trying to find someone who would help him "GET A FUCKING BOTTLE OF RIBENA!!"
I was stifling laughs already when he decided to take offence, on behalf of all the females in the waiting room, at someone on the communal television saying the word Bitch.
"NO OF YA's ARE BITCHES BY THE WAY. NONE OF YA's, DON'T EVER LET ANYONE TELL YA DIFFERENT.....WELL MAYBE YOU YA BITCH HAHA!!" pointing accusingly at Urinary Tracht Infection Lady
At this stage one of the nurses came out looking for "John Wayne?". Cheese Grater testicles duly stood up but this was too much for Bub.
"JOHN WAYNE??? JOHN WAYNE!!! THAT'S SOME NAME BY THE WAY PAL." ending with a final flourish he proceeded to shot make believe pistols in the air before wandering out into the night presumbly to help some other A&E Department in distress.
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